First Dates' CiCi Coleman bravely reveals mum took her own life
First Dates waitress CiCi Coleman was 14 when she lost her mum to suicide.
First Dates' CiCi Coleman lost her mum to suicide when she was 14.
The Channel 4 show's waitress became "guarded" and "quite independent" after her mum took her own life, following a battle with "very, very serious mental health issues with no help" - but now she is determined to allow more people in her life and discover what love means to her.
CiCi, 40, is trying to find her soulmate on the new series of First Dates, and during a meal with her date, they talked about their childhoods, which prompted the reality star to bravely open up about her heartbreak.
In a clip shared on First Dates' Instagram account, CiCi said: "She took her own life."
Speaking in a confessional, she continued: "I had two very, very loving parents.
"I just remember so much fun in my house. So this extreme, crazy, fun woman, and then these, like, really lows.
"We just, as children, my sister and I, thought that was normal, you know. Mummy goes up, Mummy goes down, and my dad was just picking up the pieces.
"Mum wasn't a bad person. She was just incredibly lost and had very, very serious mental health issues, with no help."
CiCi went on: "I became quite independent very, very early because in my head, I'm like, 'Well, the worst thing in the entire world has happened to me anyway, so nothing's going to be as bad as that.'
"So my idea of love, and my idea of what love should look like, just was stripped away from me. So everything became about, let me just protect, let me not love, let me just guard."
CiCi admitted her mum's death "did dictate a lot of my life", explaining she turned to "drinking a lot, and going out" to distract herself from the heartbreak.
Speaking to her date, she added: "I was like, 'Oh my God, get me out of the zone. I don't want to deal with me. I just want to be distracted. I want to hang out with older people because no one my age understands what I'm going through.'"
CiCi now realises that staying "guarded" will prevent her from moving forward and allowing people into her life.
Back in the confessional, she said: "And there are so many things I now see, as an adult, that I feel incredibly sorry for this version of me. This 14-year-old girl that didn't have a mum to talk to.
"I had to really unpick a lot of things and try and force myself to remember that guarding yourself is not going to get you anywhere; otherwise, no one can get in.
"And just figure out, 'What does CiCi want? Who is CiCi? And what does she think about love?'"
Fans were quick to react to her heartbreaking admission in the post's comments section, as one penned: "Beautiful person with internal sadness, always be kind you never know someone' story in life xx privileged to hear her story xx (sic)."
A second supporter typed: "She's so lovely. She deserves to be loved and looked after x (sic)"
And a third follower wrote: "Wow @cici_coleman_ this was incredibly brave and strong of you, thanks for sharing. You're amazing and beautiful inside and out x (sic)."
